They laugh, they ask, "Why no children of your own?"
I'm still healing—in fact, my inner child needs to grow

Over the weekend, a friend and I talked about what entering our 30s looks like for us. We have both been signing up for classes unrelated to our career paths--learning concepts our inner children have only dreamt of knowing yet denied with good parental intentions. We've been waking up early willingly and getting to the gym at 5am. We've been saying yes to experiences unfamiliar to us, with people we do not know well, with the intention of getting to know both them and ourselves better. It seems that this time period is about getting out of our comfort zone.

In these recent years, I have inadvertently embodied the mantra of "slow and steady growth". Little habits have yielded some fruitful results--singing practice 10-15 minutes a day in a hot, humid garage has led to a vocal range I previously attempted only as a joke and short bursts of shuffling have lead to jump rope dancing with combinations I was once not coordinated enough to accomplish. My flexibility has improved from a regular stretching routine--both my palms can lay flat on the ground when standing and stretching my hamstrings. After half a decade of adding 2.5-pound weights to compound movements, I can exercise with more than my body weight. Writing in short sessions has lead me to be more comfortable with my thoughts which has spilled over to my voice.

I mostly allow myself to feel proud of this progress, but this enjoyment is sometimes still undercut by my own thoughts. If I cannot accomplish all of my little habits in a single day, I deem the day unproductive. From one time period to the next, if I cannot yield a noticeable, positive change, I feel discouraged as if the routine was not enough. If there is no document of the effort and outcome, where is the proof of my achievement? Knowing all I have done and will continue to do should be enough for me to relish in my growth, but when the day comes where my memory and body fail me, what will be left as proof of my life?

I see this now as growth that is still needed and a pattern of thinking that still needs to be broken, but I can frame it also as an opportunity to further push out of my comfort zone. While I know that time is limited and there are only so many goals that one can fulfill in the hours of a single day, perhaps those minor efforts can be recorded and the growth finally tangible and perceptible to my own ever-present eyes and hands. True success occurs when we build our work to the best of our abilities and finally let it go from holding it within¹.

As much as I want to focus this blog on my writing, I should not pigeonhole my endeavors. I should let focus on my growth, in whichever direction that may be.

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Rick Rubin. The Creative Act. Penguin Press, 2023.